We had a free CPR course at work today and now I am officially certified! Pregnant women, infants, children, adults, the morbidly obese; you are all in good hands with me. I will pound the shit out of your heart.

During our training, I asked our office manager why we didn't have a defibrillator in the office and her response was "Too expensive." This gave me a frowny face. Also, the EMT who trained us was a total dreamboat.

Hi, how are you?

Mrs. Nelson

By the way, Prince and I are married now.

Let's Go Crazy

Guess who I'm seeing tomorrow!

Brad is taking me to see Prince as an early birthday present! As an added bonus, if I end up making out with Prince or having his baby, Brad won't even get mad. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

How Did I Get Here?

This is Heidi the Cross Eyed Possum and I think we are soul mates because she looks how I feel most days. "DUR?" That's how I navigate through life. Did you know DIY homerepair is not as fun or as fast as This Old House makes it look? Hmm!

The Adventures of St. Louise

Another day, another medical emergency. Today while walking down Market Street, I had to help a homeless man get through an epileptic seizure. At first I thought he and his friend had gotten into a fight, because Hobo 1 (Brian) had fallen violently to the ground with a loud thud. But after a few seconds it was pretty apparent that he was seizing. So I ran over and asked Hobo 2 (Robert) if I should call an ambulance. I didn't just call automatically because from past experiences I've learned that these episodes usually only last a minute or two and then are over with no real harm done as long as the person keeps breathing. I'm like the Seizure Whisperer.

So me and Robert stand there watching Brian to make sure he doesn't die when another passerby decides to call 911. The whole time, Robert is yelling at Brian, "HEY MAN, DON'T WORRY, you're just having an eclectic caesar! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY, just relax, man." And I really wanted to laugh because it sounded like Brian was just having an wacky salad instead of a medical emergency, but that would have been rude so I refrained. Anyways, the ambulance came a few minutes later and by then Brian was already sitting up and breathing normally. He had a small gash on his head from when he fell over, but otherwise he seemed fine. I learned their names when the medics were talking to them. Then everything seemed under control, so I left.

On a side note, before I got there, a lot of people just looked at Brian and kept on walking. I know homeless people are gross and smell awful and sometimes are totally insane, but what kind of heartless asshole sees someone having a seizure on the street and doesn't stop to offer some kind of assistance? Honestly, some people have no manners. Even if you are an asshole, you should help anyways because there could be hidden cameras for that show What Would You Do? watching and if you just walk on by, the whole nation will know what a crap person you are. So remember that the next time you leave a hobo to die in the streets.

Finally

I have a house! Phew, that took POR-EVER (I've been looking for about two years.) I'll officially get the keys into my grubby little hands next week. The fact that I've poured my life savings into this place makes me want to barf all over myself. No matter, I'll have my DISHWASHER to comfort me. I've calculated that having a dishwasher will improve my overall happiness by at least 60%. I can't wait.

I'm sad that Steve couldn't make it to the new house, but at least he had a chance to visit it before he passed away. We're going to have a little memorial service for him in the garden and bury some of his ashes under a tree. That way his ghost can help chase away any bad spirits that are lingering in the house. Ghost Steve is always looking out for me!

Gone Home

Yesterday morning, November 29th around 6:30 AM, we said goodbye to little Steven. At 19 years old, his health was understandably in decline and he let us know it was time to go. As always, he was brave and dignified to the very end.

Goodbye, old friend. You were the best dog ever and I will miss you very much.

Yesterday I had to get my cholesterol tested. While I was waiting for my results to pop up, I decided to make small talk with the lab lady.

"Sooo....are you a nurse or what."
"Nope, I'm a phlebotomist."
"A lobotomist. That's cool."

And then I wanted to yell, "FLUH. I meant FLUH-BOTOMIST." But it was too late! Now she is probably hanging out with her lab friends and laughing at the dummy who called her a lobotomist.

Mama

I am often very worried that I will accidentally call one of my bosses Mom or Dad. But not because I see them as work surrogates for my real family. It's because one time in high school, I tried to call out to my friend Dave, but I stumbled over my words and yelled out "DAD!" instead. That is really not a thing you should do in high school. As a result, I have spent an inordinate amount of my adult life worrying about Freudian slips. That cruel, mocking laughter will stay in my mind forever.

Cold Hearted Snake

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor's to get some routine bloodwork done for my annual checkup. I scheduled an appointment at the ass crack of dawn to avoid the rush at the blood lab. Before I left, I woke Brad up to say goodbye. What's funny about waking Brad up in the morning is that he will be awake physically, but mentally he will still be dead asleep. So occasionally I like to delve into his subconscious by jolting him awake in the morning and having conversations with him. Here's how this one went:

Me: BRAD! I'm going to the hospital to get tested.
B: Huh? AIDS?!
Me: Yes.
B: SNAKES?
Me: Yep. Bye, dear.
B: Zzzzzz......

So now we all know what Brad really thinks about me. Apparently I have snakes and disease coursing through my veins, like some unholy she-devil. Thanks, honey pie.

Rat Race

Do you know what is really great? Brad started his new job this week! Huzzah! And it's not some shitty soul crushing job, it's actually a really nice one that you can talk about with pride. The kind of job where you get money for a mouth doctor to look at your teefs. Brad is the new systems administrator for a non-profit group. Has a nice respectable ring to it, doesn't it?

Do you know what is terrible? All day staff meetings. Do you know what is worse? Two all day staff meetings back to back. Holy crap it was the most boring of boring things. I made good use of this time by drawing child/animal hybrids.
The meeting topic was regarding our firm being bought by a giant architectural behemoth. Now I am an even bigger corporate meatbag than before. I am totally fine with that because now our benefits are on steroids. You can just call me Mrs. C. Meatbag from now on.

I couldn't think of anymore good animals after octopus and deer, so I drew a bran muffin.

After our meeting, the people who were sitting behind me told me they very much enjoyed watching me draw mutants and muffins all day. Validation!

High Class

Last week while walking Steve, I found a bag of weed on the street. I picked it up, declared it "too leafy" and tossed it back on the ground for some less discerning schmuck to find. I think this is how you can tell that you've really made it in life. There was a time when this would have made my day. Now that I am a cultured and refined lady, common sidewalk weed just won't do.

Silver Linings

I've been a busy bee at work! The other day, while we were all working on a particularly grueling set of drawings, my coworker turned to me and asked if I was having fun. "Not really." I said. She tilted her head thoughtfully and replied "Well, think about it this way. At least you didn't apply to a waitressing job only to find out that the job was fake and you were actually going to be forced into sex slavery. Hmmm?"

I guess when you look at it that way, things don't look so bad after all. Thanks, weird coworker.

Cartoon Dog Sings the Blues

Last weekend Brad and I bumped into Tom Waits at the Hotel Utah. He wasn't playing, he was just there to see the local opening band. I know this dude is like a god to some people, but I think he's kind of silly, so the celebrity sighting was probably wasted on me. Still, he is a good-looking man, so I gave him one of my prettiest smiles and he grimaced back.

I was there to see Miniature Tigers. They were okay, but their 80s outfits made me twitch. I hate sartorial irony.

The Face of Defeat

One of the most depressing things ever is when the dish you brought to the office potluck goes mostly untouched and then you have to lug the whole giant bowl back home and eat that sad crap for the next two weeks. It is positively humiliating! See you in hell, Sesame Noodles with Shredded Chicken.

I'm Melting

Today my friend Jen took me to the American Grilled Cheese Kitchen for lunch. Excuse me, did we all die and go to heaven? I'm thinking maybe yes. I got the Mushroom Gruyère sandwich, which has fontina, gruyère, roasted wild mushrooms and gold potatoes, melted leeks, caramelized onions, and thyme butter. I also got their house made black cherry soda. If I am ever on death row, I am going to request this as my last meal.

Woebegone

I call this drawing "A Gloomy Day in Lilliput." Ohhhh ballllls. Say that in your best Eeyore voice and I promise you will feel better!

New Hobbies

I am pursuing a new LIFE GOOOOOAAAL! And that goal is trumpet playing. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and I figure it's about time I got started. No trumpet (or cornet) yet, but I've done some preliminary research and I'm leaning towards a used Olds Ambassador. If you know of anyone getting rid of one for cheap, let me know! In the meantime, I will be scouring Ebay and Craigslist.

Even though I fancy myself to be a musical prodigy, I will probably have to take some lessons since trumpet seems to be a difficult instrument to learn on your own. Fortunately, Brad was a pretty good trombone player back in the day and he's been helping me with my embouchure (or trumpet duck face as I call it.) I am going to try playing his trombone next time we are in Visalia. That was not a blowjob euphemism.

Here is some Satchmo to make you feel all sentimental inside. Brad said I will never be this good. Sometimes he likes to crush my soul just for fun.